I love the times these little spirits play with me....I love the fact they let me into their world.
Occasionally I've been pissed off.....annoyed that they are 'teasing' me ...letting me hope then letting me down....but mostly it's just fun!
I'm also blessed that a few of these spirits have come into the world through my sisters. A beautiful baby named Ruby....I knew her before she was born. And Dorothy...I'm yet to meet, as I'm here over East and she's there over West, but I know we'll know each other when I see her. These gorgeous girl spirits, before they were born, would float next to me while I walked in the bush near the river where I lived. They'd tickle my soul with their lightness and joy....lift me up into their world of play.
And now I'm their Auntie, I get to play in real life with them....even though it's from a distance right now cos I'm travelling! But they have my spirit looking out for them....caring for them and loving them. What a job, what a joy! How lucky I am....
And how stupid I've been to think I could catch them! To think that just cos I feel baby spirits, they're mine!
I've had to learn so much in the last couple of years...real humbling lessons of living and life!
I've had to learn babies are not 'goals' and I can't just take them out of the sky when I feel them! I've had to learn that I can't 'make' my mans' sperms meet up with my egg, just cos I want to make life! I've also had to learn to appreciate the fact that I have two beautiful children already...my twin boys have born the brunt of a grumpy, 'infertile' mother in the last few years, which I'm really sorry about and am in the process of healing now.
I've had to learn that I'm not in control when it comes to making babies and this is a big lesson for a woman like me to learn...especially when most things she's wanted in life she's been lucky enough to get!
In the past I've written of women, of bodies, of earth of freedom, of men, of loving, of walking and following feelings. I've peeled away layers of who I am and who I was in the hope of being who I feel. I've felt beautiful and sensuous, connected to the moon...my body has felt oneness with the earth....and my man.
I should be 'fertile'. I should be able to have a baby. Woman, earth, moon, man....shouldn't that all make life?
There's a whole lot more to it I'm still needing to learn, hence me writing this blog - to help me learn it! I'm using my experience to create something in.....my 'infertility''s helping me grow.....
Actually, the word's In Fertility, I nearly forgot.....'infertile''s been the one I'm so used to!
My word has a broader definition now...it's grown!
In Fertility: 'Being in a state of fertility. Every moment being a chance to create in.....'
My definition of the word is expanding....
I'm going for a walk now to find out more.....!
(Artwork by Su Berghuise Garde....Tinkahill Studio and Gallery)