I got taken a back and started to lie. My face felt flushed, my words became all jumbled and I think somewhere I mumbled something about maybe, not sure, haven't really thought about it etc. etc.
I couldn't believe what I was doing....but I was doing it.
Covering up what has really been going on in the last few years with a facade of blazay-ness and indifference.
My response took me by surprise.
What started as a really nice easygoing conversation turned into one I just wanted to run away from.....and I was shocked at my desire to lie about something so real and raw for me!
It reminded me about how I felt after I'd had an abortion, about 20 yrs ago now ( for the full story see Beetroot). I remember walking down to the local beach a few days after it had happened and bumping into people I knew...none of them knowing what I'd been through.
They'd ask me, 'How I'm going?" and my first response would be an automatic ' I'm fine ' then I'd walk away and burst into tears and feel lost, lonely and false...
Then I had a 'moment' when I realised what I was saying and how it just was not helping me....so instead I tried telling the truth.
''Actually I'm feeling pretty raw at the moment. I've just had an abortion, my belly feels sore and my emotions are everywhere...I'm at the beach cos I think it might help me heal....How are you?"
Some could handle it and would receive my story with sincerity. Others couldn't and would run away....
I didn't care cos I'd told the truth and wasn't ashamed of what I'd done.
It's the shame that makes us lie about things......
I'm ashamed that I'm infertile (as the clinical definition would have me say!) and don't know what to say when people ask me if I want more kids. Where this shame has come from...I'm yet to discover. Maybe by trying to tell the truth this will help me uncover the answers.....
And if I hadn't lied the other day, I never would have realised this. So am grateful for the experience..
So next time I get asked the question....."Do you want to have anymore children?" I'm gonna practce telling the truth.
"Yes. Desperately. In fact it's been the focus of my life for the last few years and has caused quite a bit of anguish in my universe!"
The reactions? I don't care about...some may be helpfull...some may be hopeless...but at least I won't be walking away feeling like a fake.
I hate that.
I need to keep things real and am looking forward to the next time someone asks me the question, ' Do you want to have any more children....'
Maybe I can even enlighten them with my definitions of In Fertility...to help them understand what a rich journey this one of finding fertility actually is!
"Being in a state of fertility. Every moment being a chance to create in."
"The ability to transform moments of 'hopelessness' into moments of great possibilties.....!"
"Being able to see different pathways and take them without hesitation"
'Recognising there are others in the world beside yourself and from that recognition doing whatever you can to help them grow.'
'A state of being not to be ashamed of......!'
artwork by Ana Stuart....much loved artist and inspirer in my life...xx