Even though I know there are other things, my primary experience of 'woman' has been seeing my own mother mothering. She had four girls...breast fed us all, slung us in slings, walked us, read to us and fed us. And she did a pretty good job of it....we're all healthy, relatively happy and have all produced babies just like her.
But now that I'm not able to produce a baby when I'm wanting to there's a dilemma that exists in me. What else do I do? Who else can I be?
I think my sisters and my mum have that dilemma about me too....as they don't really know what to say to me or how to deal with my 'infertility'. Making babies is what they've done and still do so very easily. They stay quiet or don't look at me when I speak about it ( or cry about it as so often has been the case!) And they rarely bring the topic up and ask how I'm going with it .
That's ok..it's unfamiliar to them, so I don't really expect understanding...
One of my sisters kind of gets it as she had a few problems breastfeeding. She had to bottle feed her two little ones which was an enormous psychological mountain to get over. All the women in our family have breastfed...and proudly ...dogmatically, almost and we judged her for what she needed to do . She felt it. And struggled...
Bloody women and our 'ideals'. We have no right to judge another for the journeys they need to take.
So in my mind, I'm creating a pathway of change from the one I'm familiar with as a woman. That safe and known pathway of producing children is obviously not for me right now, otherwise, I'm sure it would be happening with ease. A new pathway please....what else is out there?
Well, I have one, of sorts. I teach Pilates and travel and film classes for my online business. I like that for now. It's what I enjoy and am good at, but it doesn't take up my whole life...just a bit.
A mother to my 2 boys?
I will always be that. And I'll treasure the role forever
Yep. That's a big part of my life. I'm always amazed at how my man and me keep loving and finding different feelings.
But what else?
Well, I have always written but never done anything with the words. Never know where to put them, how to share them with the world. Always happy to write but that's all.
So what else??
If I really ask deep down what there is ...it's this.
I want to help people change pathways in their minds and hence their lives when they are stuck. I want to share with people how to take different tracks to the ones they already know when they're needing change and transformation in their lives.
I want to share how changing the definition of a word can change the way you see your own reality in the moment.
Change 'infertility' into 'In Fertility' and life can become creative.
That's what's else, for me.
That's how I'll feel my femininity by embracing my In Fertility and sharing it with others in the world....
In Fertility ( definition):
"Being in a state of fertility. Every moment being a chance to create in."
"The ability to transform moments of 'hopelessness' into moments of great possibilties.....!"
"Being able to see different pathways and take them without hesitation"
( artwork by Su Berghuise-Garde - Tinkahill Studio and Gallery )